Lately, I’ve been searching for some meaning in life. The past few weeks I felt constant aching – my heart, bones and mind – it didn’t matter. There was a feeling of profound sadness I’m not sure why presented itself. Lyme aside, I have nothing to be sad about. Yet I felt it consuming me; ravenous, relentless.
All my life, I’ve always been at least a little sad. Starting long before high school, the world began to look much different to me than it did to my naive child-self. I was acutely aware of family struggles and whenever life was overwhelming my friends. And all I ever wanted to do was help. Draining every ounce of my emotions, it did not matter if I gave them to everyone else. It did not matter if I was empty. It only mattered if I could make someone smile or stop the hurt within them.
Last week, as I was driving down 110 to get blood work done, I saw a beautiful sunrise. I haven’t seen the sunrise in some time now because all it seems I do anymore is sleep, but I watched as the purple sky in front of me came to life, and I felt a flicker of hope. The rising sun reflected off the glass windows on the tallest office building in Rosslyn and the whole city seemed sparkling. The orange glass looked like it was on fire, and when I glanced in my rear view mirror the sky was so bright it hurt my eyes.
After what seemed to be such a bleak few weeks, I smiled. I was reminded there is beauty in this world, the fullness I seek. I just need to know where to look.
This week I’ve decided to stop moping around and get back to LIVING. Fresh off a recovery run week, I’m ready to train hard and get back to a healthier lifestyle. Everything has suffered these past three weeks: my health, my diet, and my relationships. But it’s 2017 now (yikes!). There’s no time for messing around anymore.
While I’ve been gluten-free ever since being diagnosed with Lyme disease I’ve had my fair share of slip-ups these past few weeks. Some were deliberate while others were complete accident, like the time for whatever reason I assumed vegan mac and cheese would also be gluten-free! I’ll say all in all I probably slipped up three times total, but each time certainly did not help my health. In my sadness, plant-based eating fell to the wayside, which is REALLY unfortunate because I felt my best without meant and most dairy.
But I’m back at it.
Sometimes, the sadness feels cyclical. It’s no secret I’ve struggled with depression in the past. So I monitor it. I’ve always believed it is okay to feel, to be sad sometimes. Often, I appreciate happiness the most when I know the deeper emotions I’ve felt before.
So with that being said, the past few days have been going much better for me. I am following a near-vegan diet (I eat eggs occasionally) and I already have more energy and clear-headedness. It is not easy, but I have been saving a bunch of recipes online to try some time in the future (not to mention – my cousin Natalie’s amazing vegan blog – https://rootedwithlife.blog).
As for training – it’s going. My mileage is still relatively low but I hope to change that soon. This week I am focusing on some speed work and some semi-long runs but I honestly play every day by ear. I’ve started a few new medicines I’m increasing slowly but they’re wreaking havoc on my stomach. There is only so much I can do.
What I’ve also been thinking about lately is the purpose of this blog. While I like using it as a spot to only write when I feel inspired, I feel it needs a greater purpose, especially with my 57 mile charity run coming up in November. So if I can manage I think I’ll post a training update at the end of each week to track my journey toward the 57 miles from Penn State to Bucknell in November. I don’t know if I’ll push the content out on FaceBook each week so if you are interested in getting updates on my running, make sure to follow my blog. I’ll still post my regular writing-sort blogs, but since I’m so inconsistent I feel a weekly update will be nice, especially for those interested in my ultra running journey.
So that’s it for now. I’ll be going off my antibiotics soon and I am SUPER PUMPED about it. I’m going to really focus on trying to get a quality week of training in even though I’ve been battling a little bit of mysterious foot pain. It may be cuboid syndrome (I’ve dealt with it before) but we will see. I’m headed up to New Jersey for a few days Thursday night so I plan on seeing my physical therapist I used to. go to from high school to my days as a collegiate athlete. She’s seen everything from me, and helped me overcome so much back then, so I’m just excited to see her in general.
Hopefully I’ll have a post about it later this week. Check back soon!
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