As always, it’s been hard for me to put my thoughts into words. I’ve been mulling over a post for days (WEEKS) but I can’t really find a focus. It’s probably because I’ve felt so unfocused lately. Every day I feel like I’m walking through a thick fog, just searching for some clarity.
Colorado was wonderful. Rocky Mountain State Park is such a beautiful place and it was so easy to let go there. I didn’t worry about my stress fracture, or running, or my health. Every morning Erin and I woke up to hike a new trail and had one priority: enjoy nature. The sun was still low in the sky when we started our hikes but the mornings were still full of soft light and delicate silence. I loved hearing the dirt trail crunch beneath my hiking boots and I loved how the mountains rose up all around us, cradling us in their valley. Everything seemed so alive.
I’ve been home now for over a week. If I had a choice I’d still be out in the mountains but home and work were calling. I’ve started to incorporate runs again in my training but I’m constantly worried about the pain coming back. With every ache I fear it is the stress fracture returning even though I gave it more than enough time to heal. I worry about my bones and not absorbing enough calcium and vitamin D. I worry my bones are soft and weak and as soon as I really start training again I will be broken. I am so exhausted with being broken. And the worst part is not letting myself down, it’s letting everyone else down believing in me.
As I was rowing on the erg this evening I realized I will never be fast again. I row. I bike. I elliptical. I do all these things to try and keep myself in some inkling of running shape, but when it comes down to it they’ll never turn me back into the runner I once was. Sure, I can get into good shape and be competitive, but I don’t believe I will ever be able to train at a high caliber again and be fast in the shorter 5k, 10k distances. I’m not sure of the runner I’m going to turn into once these injuries and health issues are settled, and even though I’m resigned to the fact I may be a mediocre runner for the rest of my life, I’m not giving up on myself. I’m willing to see what type of runner I morph into. The longer distances are calling my name.
I think that’s it for now. I want to start writing here more but I keep getting in the way of myself. Ideally, I would love to use this blog as a place I can just spit out ideas and thoughts I have during the day but I don’t trust myself enough to do so. I won’t lie – I’m still petrified of sharing my thoughts and feelings and posting inconsistently is my way of taking baby steps.
I have finally started working on my piece again so that’s exciting. Before I ended up taking such a long break I had the goal of finishing this summer but now it’s already the end of June and I’m not so sure. I’ve been so wrapped up in my injury, my health, freelance writing and working at the running store I’ve forgotten about myself and personal goals. So I’m hoping to get back into the habit of working on it in the morning and justttttt maybe I’ll share a few excerpts.
One of these days I’m going to spit out all these words in my head and share them freely. But today is not that day.
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