Still Fighting.

“For those days we felt like a mistake,
Those times when love’s what you hate,
Somehow we keep marching on.”

I won’t lie – I’ve been struggling lately.  This post has been floating in and out of my mind for weeks, and the words are still slipping through my fingers.  I’m not quite sure how to articulate how I feel and it’s hard to admit to feeling down.  It’s why I’ve been so quiet lately.  For me, depression always seems to be lurking right around the corner, waiting patiently to strike when I’m already down.  And I am so sick of it.

When the stress fracture first hit I was so sure I would be able to get through it without sinking into darkness.  I was positive I would come out of it physically stronger from the strengthening and cross training I promised to do.  And while I still think I’m going to come out of this stronger it’s for a completely different reason than my physical fitness.  I wouldn’t say I’m blooming (like I stated in my this post) but I’m definitely not crumbling and withering up from all life is throwing my way.  I’m marching on.

I think one of the hardest parts about being in my boot is work.  I love going to work and working with people, but since being put in the boot I’ve had a few choice interactions.  It is as if my boot has taken away my credibility to these individuals, and people never seize to stop amazing me with the hurtful things they say.

Here are some of my favorite replies from a simple, “Can I help you today?”

“I don’t know, can you?” *eyes boot suspiciously*
-“Are you sure I should take your advice? You have a busted leg.”
-“Well that depends.  Did you hurt your leg using what you sell here?”

What makes me most bitter is the automatic judging these people do as soon as they see me.  They don’t know one thing about me, yet here they are making a million assumptions about me and my injury.  They don’t know I’m sick or I’ve been running for 16 years and know a thing or two about the sport.  And by the time they finally ask what happened I don’t want to talk about it because I don’t even know what to say anymore.

Why do I have this stress fracture?  Is it because of poor nutrition?  Does it tie in with all the other health issues I’ve been having lately? Is it from my osteopenia? When people assume my injury is from running too much I’m hesitant to agree because I wasn’t overtraining.  I feel like I’m cursed from choices my old self made.

Lately, my life seems bleak and boring.  I try and cross train most days, switching it up between cycling, rowing and the elliptical.  I watch a lot of TV instead of write.  And I eat a lot of crap instead of nutritious foods.  I’m stressed beyond belief with the constant barrage of medical issues and tests, and I feel like I’m just hanging by a thread here.

I’m tired of being judged but I know this is not something in my control.  I’m tired of letting others’ judgements control me and influence my life in negative ways.  I want to break free and I feel like I am so close but I’m still searching for the key to this cage I’ve been locked in for so long.

“There’s so many wars we fought,
There’s so many things we’re not,
But with what we have,
I promise you that
We’re marching on.”

I am not my injury.
I am not my sickness.
I am not a failure.

I am a fighter.  And I will figure this out.

(Quotes from OneRepublic – Marchin On)

© Allison Donaghy 2016 All Rights Reserved

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